Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Almost 30

Well, after losing my Grandma and fiance, I decided to move to another province.  Alberta.  I spent my first Christmas away from my home town, friends, family - alone.  No one even phoned me that year.  If this disease does one thing, it makes you feel alone.  Add that to not getting one single phone call on Christmas day and you have a recipe for some serious depression.  I was hoping my move would make some of my symptoms go away, but I started getting depressed more and more often.  I worked in a hair salon in the mall, 12 hour shifts, 6 days a week.  I tried to ignore my symptoms, but of course that didn't work.  So I started developing some OCD tendencies, although I had no idea that's what I was doing.  Everything in it's place.  Do everything in the same order every day.  Eat the same things every day at the same times.  It helped me cope. It helped reduce some of the forgetfulness.  Unfortunately, I started getting tired.  Very tired.  Body tired.  I still had a hard time following a conversation with someone, but at least these people didn't know me.  I blamed it on my tinnitus.  I've had tinnitus for as long as I can remember.  Even as a small child.  So I used it as my scapegoat for losing track of what someone was saying to me.  By this age I had become sort of an expert on hiding my symptoms.  Blaming stress for my anxiety, blaming tinnitus for my lack of concentration and forgetfulness. The tiredness was new though.  And I started getting sick all the time.  If someone thought they were getting a cold, I for sure had it the next day.  I knew I couldn't do it alone anymore.  I needed help.  I needed someone to help me.  The problem was I didn't know what I was asking for help with.  What was causing all of this?  Was I getting Alzheimer's?  Wasn't I too young?

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